Tue, May. 9th, 2006, 11:50 pm
All of a sudden I felt the luck, I had left leap out of me.
And into the "infite abyss"
and suddenly I feel so alone.
I complimented him
in a totally non-abby way
"my friends where looking at your facebook. and they are like"who is that ((his name here)) guy? he is so hot".
that's not like me.
But sometimes, I need a compliment, that not the type of compliments i like.
Your sweet and kind, and the nicest person who have ever met
are the most meaningful
But sometimes, I just want to be told the low level trashy comments
a "your beautiful" and really meaning it, would have been
good enough for me.
I feel like people are gonna find out my secret.
I feel like I'm soon going to be all alone.
I know it's going to happen.
I'm not even sure what my secret is.
My life is a life of lies.
"youre not a very good friend.
and you probably wont even know im talking about you"
it's okay, it's probably not even about me.
I'm so lonely right now.
Just staring forward at the computer screen.
I told that shallow compliment, because I felt a sudden wave of aloness
It's as if all the luck I've had as been wiped away in an instant i can feel it leaving me.
please stay a little longer, i just need to make through another few years.
Mon, May. 8th, 2006, 12:22 pm
Sorry for the depressing entry.
I'm going to miss the yummy potatoes from my school the most, over the summer. That's pretty pathetic. I also applied for a second job this summer on the Cape, one as waitress at a resturant that's a big hang out for the 20-30 crowd, and another delivery. On a bike. I'm not kidding. I'm not sure which one is worse. Maybe I should forgot about both, and just stick with the one part time job I have already.
Mon, May. 8th, 2006, 12:07 pm
I have my last final today, on Western Civilation: From the Middle Ages to the Modern World. (Meaning very early 1700s). I can't focus and there are 250 terms to learn, I still have two hours for the final, but I just can't study any longer.
It's very sad seeing so many young single mothers, it's tough to see every single day. It doesn't surprise me anymore when someone tells me they have a kid, or they are preghant. Even if they are only 19. It's not evening surprising anymore. At the start of last semester, I was very shocked by it. Something I wasn't all that use to. It's very real, in my city. Things are sugar coated the way, people would like to see them. People have had tough lives, and it's sad. And it's worse knowing that things are going to stay like that for so many people, and that problems like that, will never go away not ever. I'm surpised how open my friends are here, telling us how she was abused by a older man, when she was younger. It's just surprised me how open she was. I wish I was able to her about what happened to me, when I was younger. I've never had a real friend in person who understands. Maybe that's because I have a hard saying it, I was abused. There I said. Sigh...but it's tough, because now I have a friend whose been through it too, although her case was different then mine. But now, I just need the courage to talk about it. I've kind stored it away in the back of mind, something that I don't access, it just stays there, waiting to be triggered at any moment. Sometimes, though when I see these kids walking around my school, it reminds that 19 years ago, I was just a tiny little baby, and 19 years ago, I had the innocence of the world I miss so much. I wish I had vauled it more when I had it. Since, i've been concerned with world issues and racism since I was in Kindergarden pretty much. I've always been, thinker and planner about things out of my reach. And maybe that's my problem. Or atleast it will be, until I can make it into my reach.
Wed, May. 3rd, 2006, 02:04 pm
This is a tough week for me, not just the finals. But the first week has been and might always be a tough week me for me, since I was 14. I get panicked and I can't breathe alot. I have one of my rages this morning, probably from the anixity, and also because of the week. This is the week it happened, well I guess for the second time, a few years later, I learned and realized that it happened before in November, but there's no memory so it doesn't matter. Just of a yellow controller flying through the air against the weirdly white room. It's weird having a memory so painful. That even going back and revisited it is too much.
Is strange I hate my green eyes, because he had green eyes too?
is it stranger, that I believe life has great things planned for me, because I want them?
Fri, Apr. 14th, 2006, 11:14 pm
I think sometimes I feel heartbroken, without any reason. I get so sad at the thought of things, not being the same one day, that I look back on the old days of my life, when I was 8 or 9 years old, even 6 or 7 or younger. And I realized that I looked and saw things the same way I do now. I know that seems weird, and maybe I only think I saw those things that way, because I think about those events now. That worries me, though have I always looked into things so much, and thought about them. Have never been indifferent or thoughtless in my life. (Without substances). It seems I can shake these heavier things away, only then.
But, I also get sad knowing that I will never sit on a hammock in the backyard of these dirt pit in the ghetto and when i finally oet the courage to climb to the tree house and to climb up the tree, and I will never be best friends with the people who consider me nothing, but I still consider best friends even if it was 15 years ago, when I was 4. I can never get back these moments, and sometimes I find myself in overwhelming sadness. It's not even that i hate change, it's the fact that the moments I cherish now, I didn't cherish at the time. Sometimes, I think there's not a loving bone in body anymore. I dream every night about having a 6 year old son, and I dream about this kid I hardly remember liking ever. I'm not even sure, and when I search my memories of those things, in my life, I can't seem to remember caring. People are insenstive, asking about my rape over AIM: "what did he do to you". I don't understand why people ask those questions, maybe they don't know any better. At 20 I hope they would have.
I think life is made to be unexplainable.
Mon, Apr. 10th, 2006, 12:32 am
I can not think. I am writing a paper about bad astromony in movies, and I just can't get my self to write that much. I've done like 150 words in 4 hours. I'm having one of those nights...weeks...years...months. I'm not really sure what's happening to me. I've changed so much lately
I only really like one of my friends, I like the people i talk to from day to to day, I'm not friends with them, but they are nice people. I try to talk to someone new everyday. It makes life more beautiful, no not beautiful, and not interesting. It keeps me awake.
But anyways, I really only like, one of my friends. I met her online, 5 years ago, and we talk on the phone pretty much everyday, and IM just as much, she lives 150 miles away so I don't ever get to see her. I'm so grateful to have a friend that really understands me. And I'm so glad that I can help her to. She and I talk alot about things I Couldnt talk about with anyone else.
Anyways this girl, I've been friends with for years, got engaged recently to her first and only boyfriend. I hate him. I really can't stand him. He's a hippee stoner, with a white man's afrothat he ties back with a red or blue "ghetto" bandana. Which is a weird mix. He hate all musics, that he doesn't love, and wont give other music a chance, he only likes Dispatch, O.A.R and Phish. And subquently my once really cool unique friend, now only likes those bands. I miss the pre-him days where we listened to spanish pop songs from argentina and I would try to get her to listen to Fiona Apple, and classical music. My friend is Israeli, and she is proud of who she is, when I met her she would only talk in Hebrew, and even today will not call her self an American, even though she really is. He on the other is a forceful athehist, the same way those Mormans who ring your doorbeel are. He is making her rasie the kids no religion> They can't even have cute little holiday traditons that aren't even religous, even though it's so important to her. Her family lost TONS of relatives in the holocaust. She pretends not to care but I know she does. She could have gone to a great college, but didn't because of him. And most of all, she doesn't know this but, he hates gays. HATES. My friend doesnt know and doesnt believe when I tell her. He went up to me one day, and says, " I don't want any lesbos, or half-lesbos being friends with us". At this point, this was two years ago, or almost three now, was when the anti-semetism and homophobia where at the worst in my school. I was so upset and hurt by this. Just because how could my loving kind friend fall in love with someone like this? He told her not to be my friend he didnt say why, just that he thought i was annoying, or something asasine like that. Anyways, i would call that summer, (he lived with her in the summer since the first year they started dating, he ate 400 dollars of food a month and didnt even say thank you to my friends family) and he would tell me, she wasn't home. and he would hang up. After he left, we still talked, and we still do now, but we aren't real friends. We live near by, and when we are alone, and theres nothing around we will sit and talk for awhile. I'll hear about her fianace, for HOURS. And she'll gossip about people we know from life. and I will talk about the book I read and my ideas of the week. And soon, I'll walk away, 8 black coffee later, (free refills) and I'll wonder why we are friends. Then I realize we are just friends because we've been "best friends" since 7th grade, but now we aren't "best", we aren't little girls, or teenagers. and we aren't friends.
Fri, Mar. 31st, 2006, 10:22 am
I have drawing class next. I swear that man does not believe in creativtiy. I have a C- in the class, sigh. And yet, I'm manging A-s in Math and Astromony which are my worst subjects. I guess that I can't draw "exact" which is what he wants. I just draw how i see things.
Jamie Cullum, was really excellent last night in concert. It was at a beautiful Opera house in boston. He has a lot of engery, espically since it was the last night of his tour. I love concerts, so much. And I wish I could go to them more often, I forget how much they lift your spirts. His music is really quite beautiful if you like jazzy-piano stuff, and he has a fantastic voice.
It's 75 degrees today, the warmest it's been in months. It's really dry out, we havn't had any rain at all this spring. And I can't wait for it. (Neither can the flowers and wildlife). I love the smell of spring rain, espically when it's unplanned and just starts raining there's nothing better. I think that I'm going to lay outside, since I have 2 hour break between drawing and the worldest most boring history lecture there ever was.
EDIT: I keep wanting to make this friends only, since it's second nature, but no one I have to worry about reads this anymore
Thu, Mar. 30th, 2006, 02:55 pm
I took a walk down to the library today, and got The Unabridge Journals of Sylvia Plath, I'm very excited about reading it. I owed the library 9 dollars and paid it. I saw some girl I used to know mothes there, I went to the library not caring how I looked. To her, I probably look liked a crack-addict geek, with no social skills, who stays home and reads all day. Good, that's what I want people to think. I said the wrong thing, as she said her daughter was going to BU. I'm glad too. And she then when I said, I was going to community college, I got that look of disgust. People excepted to be class validictorian, and I could have been. But things happened to me, and I realized that eliteism is worthless to someone like me. I can learn things at community college, that I would never learn at an ivy leauge school, or any school. I learn about people, and I sit next to formor drug addicts, and women have escaped from sudan. I sit next to illegal immigrants and people who have 3 kid are only 19 years old. These are the people who make up our world, not those whose goal is to be "great" and "gain respect" in any way possible, not those who wear the same clothes, but it's not that, i've realized that how you look has nothing to do with how people are different, its how you react, think, move, talk and dream that make all people so indivusal and unique, it's not about looks it's so much more, it's about hope and yourself. I wish people would realize, that skin color and race aren't what make us different, what really makes people is the way they view things and how they live there lives.
Tue, Mar. 28th, 2006, 01:07 pm
how the fuck did i get so emo.
i just went and found my nanowrimo story
i think im going to write more of it
just because i forgot how much
i love everything in it.
As dumb as facebook is. I signed on today, and looked at your profile. It's given me comfort, that you have been single, knowing that there is a chance im still in your heart, after two years. It's pathetic. today i noticed you've updated..and now the little words say 'in a relationship'. and i started crying. im not sure why. is the thought of you with another girl? is it the thought of you loving another girl? im not sure. i think its the fact, that i know now we can never be. 156 miles away. i knew it would never happen. i am not the type of girls you like. i am not skinny. or perfect smooth. i dont have what you think you want. you told me that you loved me once. but we were so young what does that matter anyways. i love baseball, and sports the same way you do it's a passion. my way of life. i fear that your new girl loves them too. like shes replacing me. so quickly. wasn't it saturday we were talking like the old days. i mis you so much. i can hardly say it. im going to talk to you today. and tell you about my "new guy". who hates everything i love. but is nice and funny. you would die if you knew the truth about me, how im all about civil rights and politics. and you are pretty much hitler. you would die if you knew those nights, you thought i was with random guys, i was really with girls. you would die. and yet, i knew i changed for a while. but you can't ever truly change someone, it's a tough lesson i learned a long time ago. im sorr i'm so sorry.i guess that you were the only thing that ever made me really happy, after what happend to me.and im sorry. im so sorry. but you have to understand you did something important for me, i was able to trust again, and you were the first guy i told about what really happend to me. i don't even know if you even remember me telling you. that's when i realized. i said "i have to tell you something and after you might not want to talk me again" and you said'nothing would make me want to stop talking again what is" isaid, " i was raped by best friend" and you said, "why would that make me not want you. that's so silly." and it made me realize that was worth something, i still have a hard time dealing with things because of it. and don, you lit up my heart. and my soul again. and it saddends me. and i can't do that same for you.maybe i did. i guess i'll never know. maybe this is a test. maybe this is a test for me. in the mean time, i guess i'll fall back to someone i dont even really love. just to have someone to hold me. and care about me. because maybe for a second that will make me forget about how much i care about you.
i found out today that my dreams of getting in the program are crushed forever now. i had the chance to go once. but i will never again. thanks to a c in art. i think, that i've messed up so much. and that this really doesnt have much to do with the fact, that some DAMN computer says you have a girlfriend. its the fact that my life is out of my hands again, and its me realizing how much shit ive gone through. and i have nothing to show for it anymore. except for a strong self, which in a way is the greatest reward of all. im not dependt on anyone. i don't take painkillers anymore, and i fight my way through my painful headaches i get everyday. im not afriad of people finding out about me and sexual preferences. even though, i know i'd lose any friends. i have my self. i have my heart. and that's a lot to show. i have talents and laziness, but i can keep my self happy. and though there's nothing i can do. about letting you get away. its okay. it's fine. i have my self.